Its crazy how someone can put a that special smile on your face...but that same someone can take it away...

Understanding Heart

silence..... all I can hear was the ringing of silence. Everything so still, all that was heard was my own breath trying to slowly taken in the heart ache of understanding. Taking it all in not wanting to move, think, or.... who knows? I was thinking maybe I should have for once express how I was feeling! Maybe I could have saved what we had. I am thinking about how I should just show up to his house and tell him to go outside and talk about this all and have that amazing moment of realization how we should be together and we were meant to be with each other.

But of course, my life is not like the movie I want it to be.. why try to save something that one of us wanted to end it anyway? It could have ended differently. We could have started differently. I saw this coming so why care so much about it. I knew I was not pretty enough or have the right personality for the relationship. Yet I kept trying. Sometimes my efforts are not enough. I wish I could have that story to say he came over to my house and we talked about it. But, he is not the kind of person to save this after he and his hearted decided. Its okay. I was fine before when I fantasized about him my whole high school career... when we were just friends.. nothing else.. just person I would say hello to once in a great while in the halls... now its just me looking down at my phone hoping I won't see him. Back to being just Paloma... the loud girl at school with the big eyes....

Useless Pain

I have pain
My heart aches
No reason at all
Just pain
I’m fine it’s okay
I say to no one because they don’t see it
Nobody cares
I don’t care
Why does it matter
I don’t want to go out I just want to stay in bed and sleep
Forever
I have pain
My heart aches
Just pain
Nobody cares
No one sees
Just me

My eyes sting so much from crying...

How funny...

It's so funny how a great day can go down a hill and hit a bush of thrones...

It's funny how you can be having the time of your life admiring, the sun shinning against the waves as they move back and forth hearing the brushing sound but than it goes down the cliff and stabs you with razor-edged rocks....

It's funny how you can be happily dancing to music created by an artist to touch others souls but than it goes down a mountain, hitting the periphery sides of the earth as you roll and tumble down...

It's funny how you can enjoy and admire someone for who they are. "Little things matter the most" as its a cliche but things become cliches because they are true. Watching little movements they make a long with sounds and sayings. Loving the feeling they give you when you see them from across the room, smiling at you, as if you have never seen the sun before. Being able to talk to that one person everyday, trusting,venting, and loving....but than it all gets pushed off a skyscraper.. something not natural or related to an earths creation, just falls and falls, with the cold air brushing against your body. Your heart begins to race, you begin suffocating, having trouble breathing. All thoughts go through your head as you are slowly dying, you heart beats become slower and slower, your heart stops. You are laying face down on a hard black ground, You are dead.

I have been spotted...

This time its real.....I hope. January 1, 2018

As he was holding me with his head against mine, I thought of how much I wanted this. My head rested on his chest, I can hear the fast beats of his heart. I can tell he was nervous yet happy. Wondering if he could hear my heart coming out of my chest...
Watching the fire swing back and forth like we were the fire dancing in a warm meadow
I could still hear his heart racing but a smooth kind of race
I never thought a heart beat can be beautiful and soothing
it was music to my soul...
Knowing he felt maybe the same way I felt... it was... nice...
Happy New year