Do you ever just hold things back, so you won’t make the person that means the most to you, feel even worse about their bad day, when you had a bad day as well.

Maybe in another world we were together... good bye. Forever.

It’s hurting more then it’s suppose to.... why do I feel this way ... I shouldn’t but I do....
Having feelings for someone that I like so much but doesn’t want me is the worst. I said it didn’t but it does. Maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was, just have to continue to take it in and accept the fact he and I will never become something I imagined. We will be nothing, just a person I knew from the other side of the country I had a “crush” hopefully one day I can meet someone that will make me forget this feeling and never leave or doubt anything..... oh how it aches and nobody will know or understand.... good thing I will never come back once I leave because I won’t want ever to see you again... it will just remind me of the memories I thought we would have or could have had.... just have to let go... forget about you as much as I can....

That’s why my heart is the way it is!

3rd time a dude has asked me out on a date and never texted or showed...story of my life lol

Dude! People suck!

Is it gone?

I guess I have to let it be, no matter how much I want to keep holding on, not let go, keep all hopes...

Lowkey...

I worship God in class sometimes...

So Today...

I had opening and closing practice (FFA thing) at 4:30 so I had an hour to kill, so I decided to do my homework. Well, another opening team asked if I could judge them and give advice, of course I could not say no. After I gave them my input and advice, a girl from the team came up to me and asked about my Mac book and the stickers I had on it. Totally sweet girl,  I told her how each sticker had a little story and stuff, which later she asked me where I get my clothes and cute outfits. Yes, you may be thinking "Paloma why do we care?" Truth is I don't know why you would care, yet you are continuing to read this *Shrugs shoulders*. In this conversation, in this moment, it made me feel like a role model or something! Like someone actually noticed me, the little things I like and made me realize those little things I didn't even notice about myself. It was the feeling that I had importance to someone I don't even know, yea I felt cool, so what! We should all have those little moments sometime in our life time, it is nice. 

So little dude that I always see during break, I like your cal poly sweater and you remind me of a friend named Ethan Millhorn...I know thats weird but I think its the freckles and rosy cheeks! Hey girl that I always smile at walking down the hall going to 2nd while I'm speed walking, you are so gorgeous and I LOVE your outfits during spirit days, SUPER cute and you rock! Oh and Dude with the louder speaker with the terrible rap music I have never even heard of you, you go dude! You do you, and enjoy your music, warning though speakers are not aloud on campus BUT you must be really slick, still proud of you! To the dude I text 24/7, yea you know who you are doof! Thanks for making my days better at school even if its a good morning, always can find a way to put a smile on this Dory looking face! To the love of my heart and soul, thank you for keeping our streak and making me laugh at your funny snaps with the faces you always make! ok Bye.

Throwback

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to sing this too someone and have that "distance romance" and learn how to play it on the ukulele. Super cute song! Sadly I would scare someone with my singing....

Ugh YAS!

my cousin C'Enna literally made my life 😩😩❤️

Why does God put these special souls in our path?

Ephemeral but eternity...thinking about it deceased.... my fingers begin to shake, my eyes begin to bleed, my soul begins to weep. Te amo, te oigo decir. Esperando que algún día podamos estar juntos. Sé que es demasiado pronto para decirlo, pero parece que siempre te he conocido ... te quiero ... se siente como una necesidad ... quiero que nosotros trabajemos ... pero por ahora supongo que esto es una dolorosa despedida and a long hug.

I remember this one time I was looking at hashtags about god and then I started finding accounts atheists created. I will never forget how it made me feel, my stomach was turning and my eyes tearing. These accounts were just bashing on god and just saying awful things that truly hurt my heart.

What is wrong with me?

I question myself and what was created. My heart aches, my tears roll, he laughs. All I feel is pounding of the pain, confusion, and The Who I really am... Of course "I'll grow out of it" I'm just that "young teenage girl that will understand one day" yet the real question becomes do you truly understand the understand one day?  Or do you even understand what this post is trying to make you understand about the girl or the adult understanding the true meaning of the specific understanding that's never understood?

A Special New Someone...

"I'm a joke from Ohio and I'm just really tan" says the beautiful soul I have just began communicating with....

A seed has been planted into the ground, waiting for the moisture and sun to help it grow. 

The water from the ground begins the process of making the flower emerge from the seed, creating strong and confident roots, but their is no auspious sun. 

As the flower waits for the sun, it faces insane points in its life where it is questioned, if it's even possible for it to grow out of the ground.

 It has been traped underneath the vigorous moss and ivy trying to hide what the flower should really be.

 But one day the sun comes out with it's dazzling and brilliant bright light of warmth and love.

 The flower then begins to grow out of all the crud it has been accustomed to and it grows and grows..

As if the flower and sun are meant to be.

Oh, how it would be nice. (Teenage girl wishing)

I wish Santa Maria had one those cliffs where you can park on the edge and star gaze, with the view of pretty city lights. Maybe be able to park in a tacoma with the bed facing the view, with someone and cuddle up in blankets. Being able to talk about anything and everything from problems to just curiosity's you can share. Even if they are the most weird ones.... being able to be comfortable with someone. It would be nice. My imagination just wishes it lived in that one perfect movie yennow...

SUMMER 2017

God works in crazy ways !

Trust in God because he will be the only one that will help you through your pain, mistakes, and struggles. He will never judge who you are which is truly extraordinary! Praise God!

My name is heart, whats yours?

 It must be really annoying how when I post something long it is depressing. Maybe my English Teacher made me make this my comfort spot to share how I feel, with it open to the world but the world never takes the time to notice and read and truly understand how I feel. Yes it is coming, you are about to here my heart and soul talk on this post.......

            It starts with me rumbling, bouncing going crazy inside while she acts and looks totally normal and calm on the outside. I can hear voices and feel her hoping she had been telling her self wrong in the beginning. Her name was never called....I sank and slowed myself down in a split second. The ache and her not to show it made me scream where she couldn't breath in silence. Waiting to leave when nobody noticed, so she would not show her emotion. Nobody looked.....nobody noticed....nobody cares. and I am not being dramatic, nobody, cared.
      As she walked outside she Began to sob and rush to her car before others saw her crying and began to ask questions. I can hear her thoughts and emotions screaming, while I could only beat for her to breath, to let it all out..... I couldn't even tell her I'm sorry or I loved her because she is truly amazing or something to help.....because I am her. As I can feel the wheels of the car hurrying trying to escape to another place or to go somewhere, she couldn't think were to go but to call a friend. Yet it still didn't make her feel better. She was trying to find a way out of this emotion to cry and cry and cry, and oh just cry. Thinking if she should call the boy that she has said she is in love with. The one that broke me, he left his mark on me and it has never let. Maybe she should call her best friend to make it feel better, but doesn't want to talk to her.
        So many emotions, no one to notice. How I broke once more but this time I lost a part of myself. It was all her fault, Paloma, why would she do this to me. She knew her dream was not gonna come true, she knew her passion and what she wanted so badly was not going to happened. She still took the chance making me hope she had the it all wrong and was going to make that dream, that hope, and that love for it come true. No she just broke me for the second time for the same thing. I think she should let go because she tried and tried and wasted time for the try when she knew. when I knew. Paloma never had the chance and doesn't deserve it. She is worthless, not smart, and finally garbage. Stop trying to make the change. It doesn't matter and NOBODY notices. just succeed in the other stuff you seem to always succeed in. Maybe its my fault, when she gains the slightest confidence, I make her lose it. Till she is stuck in a room in silence, not thinking about anything just laying on her bed, staring at the ceiling.... physically feeling me trying to put myself back together in pain. While the tears still roll down the side of her face, feeling hopeless for something that won't matter in 20 years from now. But was important the most now.

Todays Journal Topic

A cafeteria worker was cleaning up the pans and dishes then began to put them away when she came across a magic lamp. She was really confused to find it in a kitchen of a high school, she kind of ignored it but was very curious. This worker began to laugh and pretend to rub it like she saw in Aladdin the Disney movie. All of a sudden she began to see weird figure coming out of the spout like smoke of purple and blue with pictures of beaches and amazons. Then BAM she was in a tropical amazon and was stuck in a mini river, she was so confused and terrified. When all of a sudden she saw a figure slowly approaching her....it looked like a branch but all of a sudden this branch opened its killer green eyes coming slowly. Then it rose out of the water with its huge jaws! The caferteria  worker was looking up at the alligator in shock not knowing what to do thinking how her life was gonna end. "hey yo whats up?" said the alligator.

"If you think about it everything in society is all ancient like some music, before I had iTunes and Spotify I had it on Mp3 then before that it was on a CD then it was on a tape then before that it was a cassette and then Venal...... ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING SONG".  -Dr.Preston

My life has been changed!

  Starting off with a terrible week because I was busy and then got sick! BUT! I did my annual Teen Search camp but this time I was Director! The Lord truly changed so many teens lives this weekend and I know this has changed their life forever! I am so happy that everyone had the most awesomest experience! I did for sure because it meant so much to me and I was so sad that it happened to quickly but God made it truly perfect, praise God!

A boy

Made me feel like shit. I think I let my mind over think something little to be amazing, crazy how someone can be so nice but make a mistake that hurt so much.... we were nothing but I thought we would have been something. To have a chance to be wanted, from somone I have been interested in for a while now. Before he even knew me, but that's high school right? To have a crush on someone that I thought was perfect? To have an interest on a  young man every girl wants, giving me the feeling I had the chance. We had a chance. Maybe in another world it work or is working, maybe we are together living the perfect life... oh how young my mind is.

Why are we insecure ?

I walked into spanished classes legit annoyed as hell. Why? Because my Spanish teacher is super nice older lady but not at the same time. She can be very nice but when you hit her slight nerve she goes all wild. Thursday  a sub came into because she had a meeting. This sub was a very quiet young man,  maybe early 40s. I am writing about him because I saw how insecure he was and I didn't say anything to help. He constantly scratching his arm looking down, kept figiting with his hair and kept looking at him self in his phone. I wanted to tell him he looked good but okay or don't worry about how you look but in a nice meaningful way. I understand the feeling of caring what you look like and feeling ugly in your own body.... but I didn't say anything .....

My Ignite Talk

Big question 8/19/16 12:25 AM

My big question is why do we trust and take risks for people when we know the outcome isn't going to be so great? Is it because we have hope or care for them in our heart that much? Or maybe we just give them the benefit of the doubt... So sad how we live in a great extraordinary world were we can't trust People even those you've known for quiet sometime. Why do I believe in second chances whern others don't give chances? Do you believe in second chances?

1. I learned people take the risk and give people second chances because everyone is unique and by that I mean everyone has different experiences and make different mistakes, we will never understand. 

2. Over the break I learned that chances and risks should only be given to people that deserve it because some people will continue to break your trusts, take it for granted.

3. The connection I see in this class is Emerson because we are all different, so we make those decisions that may hurt but have you make a choice that hurt someone but they still believed in you?

4. I will explore this big question not only around school, my experience, and my friends experiences but through out my whole life. It is just such a huge question with so many answers but I want to know most of them because it happens everyday and everyone.

Essay breakfast

   People love sharing information because they want to feel important or recognized. I know when I post my food at times, I think I am showing pride because... I made it and it taste amazing! Social Media was made for people to communicate and show who they are through a electronic device. They can use a computer, tablet, phone, lab top, and now most likely the Apple Watch. The world has made so many ways for people to share who they are and sometimes even more. It is probably the most perfect invention for the human kind.
   The difference between a composition book and a tablet are very different because people can see it whats going on. In the composition book people are able to freely write down anything about themselves and I believe is it better. Physically writing down emotions, thoughts, and interests are the best way to be not only a better person to others but yourself. The invention of paper is literally beginning to fail slowly, paper has inspired and saved lives. Especially mine. I am able to speak my mind through my hands and think freely. Where if I was trying to do it on a Electronic device its not me! Speaking and writing what I want! It's the device telling me no its this word don't forget to end the sentence right here. NO! There are many ways to structure a sentence, yes there is a right way but that is not how I am or expressing who I am.
   Through art is the most common way to have others share about them selves or lives. I think these things are the most beautiful. Unlike Social media where its like people posts a pictures where it doesn't even look like them with a odd filter or even a edited version of an effect. People can't even see the real you, people even put the wrong likings on their page so they can look good for people.
   Sharing to others about ourselves gives us a sense that people are actually listening and seeing what kind of a person you are. I think every single human in this world wants some kind of attention, no. I am not talking about the attention where they want that special someone or wants to be the center of the crowd. The kind of attention were they can be viewed as an individual. Just putting more out their. Impacting and inspiring others happens all the time through people putting themselves out there. Because of experience and mistakes everyone can relate to.

What in Tarnation!

COME ON YOU KIDS/TEENAGERS YOU ALWAYS COMPLAIN ABOUT ADULTS TREATING YOU LIKE KIDS! CAN YOU HAVE SOME RESPECT AND THROW AWAY YOUR GUM IN THE DAMN TRASH CAN?! ITS NOT HARD, YOUR ASS IS LUCKY DR.PRESTON EVEN LETS YOU EAT AND CHEW GUM IN HIS CLASS LIKE FAM! RESPECT HIS CLASSROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

United Airlines article

Leggings, a piece of clothing since the 1960s. Walking down the crowd through business men, mothers trying not to yell at their toddlers with a force, and Hozier trying not to be seen in airport. My thoughts seeing all this was that I just wanted to get home to see my family and sleep the way their because I new I had 5 hours. I put my luggage in its place, as I walked down the tunnel hall way to board my plane and one of the flight crew members saw me approach she begin to eye ball me from the bottom of my shoes to the top of my head. "I'm sorry to say this but you can not board the plane, you are wearing inappropriate attire it does not meet our policies standards." I looked down at what I was wearing I saw what I had left my dorm in. My roshes and nike fit leggings with a gray long sleeve shirt. Inappropriate?.... I think not! I had no skin showing or my boobs hanging out, just a casual outfit that I could sleep in or even work out in. I was denied my way back room to visit family and the only time I can be able to sleep comfortably. Yet a passenger can wear and dress which is showing her legs and skin but I can not board BECAUSE OF LEGGINGS!

     I believe United is ridiculous! RIDICULOUS!

University of Hawaii Manoa Here I come!

Today is the day I made up my mind. Well not really... So on Sunday afternoon Nat and I went to Blenders and we had a legit conversation about our future and our careers. WE were in the parking lot just talking in my little trunk with the door open enjoying the hot silky sun against our skin, that day I decided I was going to follow my path in life and become a doctor. I have been dreaming about this since I can remember being able to help people and maybe save lives. I am passionate about helping people and interested in knowing how the body works and just being able to have answers to a problem to take pain away. I know its going to be challenging but keeping my faith strong I know I will get through it. I remember being about 5 or 6 and my pediatrician gave me a stethoscope and said "use it well, maybe you can use it when you become a doctor" I will never forget that moment because I felt a warmth and comfort in my heart, seeing my future without realizing it. I still have it till this day, but since I was little I kind of took the ear part off so now when you put them on it hurts but I mean very great memory....
     The college Fair helped me decided what school I really want to go in, which is University of Hawaii. I am seriously all for it I have been looking at their brochure, website, and videos. I can feel it in my heart that I really want to attend this University after I graduate from high school. They have a great medical program and I believe this is were I truly belong. I have not had this feeling of Satisfaction on a school or my major till now! I understand its little pricing but I know it will all be worth it.

denmeit - resolution

Moment of Paloma gaining confidence or proof Paloma can do anything?

As she walked up, in front of all the eyes filled with curiosity. Her mind had no thoughts just a little disappointment in one and her self, she was tired but was ready. She took a deep breath and begin to say a skill, a talent she did not know she had. 2 pair of eyes begin to be uncomfortable knowing she had a chance. They looked at each other with horror glares. She didn't know whether to believe it was truly happening. She had reached the top she had the great feeling of conquering all and not have the others look down upon her. The Realization she had in her mind and heart finally grew, opened. Knowing...she was capable of everything. In that moment they realized I had a possible opportunity of winning.

Waterpolo Oxnard Tournament

This weekend I was in Oxnard and Ventura, CA  

We lost all 4 games and out of those 4 we could have won 2 teams that was about the same level and we were better then... but we didn't. I seriously don't get the remix thing but I feel this can kind of tie into it.

 

It sucks to feel like you suck in every thing you do in life but can you remix that with new choices? I don't understand where I am trying to get with this but in all of the depressing loses of the games I had fun with a team I barely know and coaches I love so dearly. What I really loved was stopping and embracing moments that I know I will remember.

EVERYTHING IS A REMIX

Domain Knowledge- learn the language speak like everyone else (Bob Dylan)
Transformation - taking it and changing it to create something else improvements
combinations- existing stuff and emerging them together when they are not even related
implications- copied and adapted
loss aversion
two disortions
*Doc if you are reading this I don't understand this video, I seriously started counting how many ums he said, and I could now receive what his message was because it was just.. boring I need this explained and he needs Bart's public speaking class! I just can't with this video 

MUSIC AS LITERATURE

Music is literature. Music embraces the art of it. The difference between a poem, rap, etc. is the way literature is presented. It can be shown and expressed in many different ways, you just have to pick the one you like the most. I personally believe music the key to literature because humans enjoy it.

Hello 2017

Paloma Bendicion Ronquillo has grown a lot since January 2016. I started off the year thinking I knew what I wanted and I knew who I am. Well the reality was, I didn't. I began to realize how much I actually didn't know what  I wanted and I knew who I am but it was the year of trying to find out. It was a good year of my life but it also was a bad one. I did so much but so little. I grew to be a little girl with big dreams that hasn't started them, I grew more of a person by looking at both sides of things people don't look at, and I grew by seeing how I wanted things and to take the bad things or people out of it so it wont ruin my days of living. The really nice thing is that I have at one person with me by my side through this all, which has helped me so much in my whole life time so far.