SO RANDOM

I miss you so damn much! I still cry like you just broke up with me. I keep looking back on all our memories and keep admiring every day I spent with you. Our simple hello in the halls made my days better. Now I don't even know if I should look at you or pretend to be on my phone. Like I can't believe its real. I still want you and need you, like I would take you back in a heart beat because thats how much I truly liked you. I waited for you for 4 years and I thought we actually had the chance to be together for a while.... but clearly not... what did I do wrong, if it was nothing I could have been here to support you, love you, help you.. Now I cry in a dark parking lot listening to silence and the loud screams of every moment my heart beat for you. Now I sit in the dark laying in bed crying into my pillow praying hoping you would come back to me, hoping you would want me back, hoping it was like the movies and you would show up out of know where and explain how you made the mistake and tell me how much you love me. Now I sit with my friends and exam every little thing that I am doing and tying it all back to something we did together or planned.... We had plans... for the future... on Monday we were having fun on Wednesday you broke up with me. How??? Was I just something you were messing with? was this whole thing bull shit?? was I blind and didn't see how you didn't want me or liked me??? Why did you get me into this in the first place if everything we did was not what you wanted..... we were happy and would have so much fun....I just want you to be happy and if that means I need to be out fo your life than I guess I'm happy because you are happy...I love you Clark Kringel and I would give you the world if I could I would sacrifice a lot of things for you just to see a smile on your face or for you to be happy.... I have always loved you.... I will always love you....Where did we go wrong ? what did I miss.....what could I have done to safe us... damn... the one time I give a guy a chance... let someone in... just ends up being a heart break... this is where I probably won't have another special someone for another 3 years....because I can't stand to let someone in and for them to just....take my heart again.

Its crazy how someone can put a that special smile on your face...but that same someone can take it away...

Understanding Heart

silence..... all I can hear was the ringing of silence. Everything so still, all that was heard was my own breath trying to slowly taken in the heart ache of understanding. Taking it all in not wanting to move, think, or.... who knows? I was thinking maybe I should have for once express how I was feeling! Maybe I could have saved what we had. I am thinking about how I should just show up to his house and tell him to go outside and talk about this all and have that amazing moment of realization how we should be together and we were meant to be with each other.

But of course, my life is not like the movie I want it to be.. why try to save something that one of us wanted to end it anyway? It could have ended differently. We could have started differently. I saw this coming so why care so much about it. I knew I was not pretty enough or have the right personality for the relationship. Yet I kept trying. Sometimes my efforts are not enough. I wish I could have that story to say he came over to my house and we talked about it. But, he is not the kind of person to save this after he and his hearted decided. Its okay. I was fine before when I fantasized about him my whole high school career... when we were just friends.. nothing else.. just person I would say hello to once in a great while in the halls... now its just me looking down at my phone hoping I won't see him. Back to being just Paloma... the loud girl at school with the big eyes....