I let go.. I hope

Tonight I went for a late night skate. I saw some stairs went to the top edge laid down on the cold pavement, and watched the not so bright stars since the campus lights are so bright.
 What I did last night most people would say was nothing, but for me I guess was something. I keep thinking about it and going over the night that was suppose to be so simple but it became a regret and an embarrassment. I knew I was going to regret it but I still let the situation happen. Now I can say talking to the only one that understands and saw everything happen still loves me unconditionally, made me realize I need to let it go and let what I want go. I keep wanting what I think I need and that will make me happy but I probably just need to find myself or figure out me. And maybe what I am looking for will appear unexpectedly. maybe not. Who knows? Right? Just gotta let it happen. Not do anything about......

How odd? How cute?

I find these fire sprinklers super endearing!!! They look like little Daisys. 

They watch these college kids studying, drinking, having sex, and doing drugs. They are covered sometimes, not being able to see and can hear their hollow voices. Sometimes they just peer through the see through shower cap gazing, they have no feelings towards any of this because it's nothing new to them.

A story that has been waiting to be written and heard.

Well all I can tell you is that, its about a tree that tells stories from the past... it sounded cool in my head but now that I type it, it sounds like the worst possible story I can tell.

It's honestly insane...

It's insane
it's insane how we are guided into doing
it's insane how we start trying to figure out our world
it's insane how we see groups find their "people"
it's insane how we finally find our "people"
it's insane how we fall in love in high school
it's insane how we think he's the one
he's not the one
it's insane how we become so involved into knowing what we know
Clubs, sports, teachers, classmates...
It's insane how it all comes to an end
it's insane how we think "wow we are finally here at graduation practice"
we are ready to start our lives and are ready to see what life is going to hit us with.
we are not.
It's insane how we walk down that stage leaving behind everything and everyone who guided us to who we are today, leaving the knowing, starting the new beginning.
it's insane how we move into college, having to figure out what to know.
it's insane how looking back on photographs and social media posts and seeing the most comfortable time of our lives.
Bringing that smile to your face
your heart being a little faster
you remember how much of a great feeling those memories gave you.
It's insane how you were known but now
your not.
It's insane....it's just.... insane

I mean like why?

I think it's just so hilarious but sad and depressing when a student is in the dinning commons and they are sitting be themselves with 3 other chairs. Then a another fellow student is looking for another chair to sit on while they are eating with their group of friends. The student comes to the one, thats sitting alone and asks " is anyone using this chair?" ( of course the fuck not) They take the chair while the other student is STILL sitting along eating! WHY! Can't a student say " OH HEY you are welcome to sit with us" Instead of just taking their chair and make them feeling lonely then they already are!

So.... Different..

It is my second week of college at Cal State Monterey Bay, I can say its great. At least I think it is... I have made a few friends here and there but not ones I feel I can be close too. I met this one guy, Austin, he's super chill and funny but I don't think he's going to treat our little bond the same because of some things that have happened. I'll let you guess what those things are, anyway, I just have been feeling like its hard to make friends here! Super weird for me since I am easy going and very talkative person. I do believe it might be because I stay in my dorm all day and just do homework, chill and go out with Austin. Well as of now I might be be hanging with him and his friends to much anymore since all they want to do is drink and get high. It's not really my thing, like I mean occasionally but everyday or every night? I just feel like I have important things to do than get behind... I am not a lonely freshmen but I just wish I could find my people. Back home I can meet people and be so comfortable with them but here... its just such an odd and awkward situation where I just want to binge watch Law and Order or Ghost Whisper. I know I will make friends but its just... like I said so different. It's a part of growing up I guess..?

Hi, Hello, Howdie!

Dear who ever is reading this,
I am 19, about to leave to college next week. I am going to CSU Monterey Bay and majoring in Cinematic Arts and Technology. I am currently a Life Guard in my home town and have a huge interest in my supervisor. Which I don't know why any of this matters but anyway. I don't know what I plan on doing with that degree but its a start to something I love! Yea, thats pretty much all I have to say. A friend said this Blog is probably your best place and helps your mental health. Like I guess right?? last post was about a break up and the one before that was about heart ache... maybe I got some problems lol. I am not like this in person or at all I am actually really fun, out going, positive, and loves others deeply. This blog really doesn't show who I truly am. I can be a cool person yen now!?!

SO RANDOM

I miss you so damn much! I still cry like you just broke up with me. I keep looking back on all our memories and keep admiring every day I spent with you. Our simple hello in the halls made my days better. Now I don't even know if I should look at you or pretend to be on my phone. Like I can't believe its real. I still want you and need you, like I would take you back in a heart beat because thats how much I truly liked you. I waited for you for 4 years and I thought we actually had the chance to be together for a while.... but clearly not... what did I do wrong, if it was nothing I could have been here to support you, love you, help you.. Now I cry in a dark parking lot listening to silence and the loud screams of every moment my heart beat for you. Now I sit in the dark laying in bed crying into my pillow praying hoping you would come back to me, hoping you would want me back, hoping it was like the movies and you would show up out of know where and explain how you made the mistake and tell me how much you love me. Now I sit with my friends and exam every little thing that I am doing and tying it all back to something we did together or planned.... We had plans... for the future... on Monday we were having fun on Wednesday you broke up with me. How??? Was I just something you were messing with? was this whole thing bull shit?? was I blind and didn't see how you didn't want me or liked me??? Why did you get me into this in the first place if everything we did was not what you wanted..... we were happy and would have so much fun....I just want you to be happy and if that means I need to be out fo your life than I guess I'm happy because you are happy...I love you Clark Kringel and I would give you the world if I could I would sacrifice a lot of things for you just to see a smile on your face or for you to be happy.... I have always loved you.... I will always love you....Where did we go wrong ? what did I miss.....what could I have done to safe us... damn... the one time I give a guy a chance... let someone in... just ends up being a heart break... this is where I probably won't have another special someone for another 3 years....because I can't stand to let someone in and for them to just....take my heart again.

Its crazy how someone can put a that special smile on your face...but that same someone can take it away...

Understanding Heart

silence..... all I can hear was the ringing of silence. Everything so still, all that was heard was my own breath trying to slowly taken in the heart ache of understanding. Taking it all in not wanting to move, think, or.... who knows? I was thinking maybe I should have for once express how I was feeling! Maybe I could have saved what we had. I am thinking about how I should just show up to his house and tell him to go outside and talk about this all and have that amazing moment of realization how we should be together and we were meant to be with each other.

But of course, my life is not like the movie I want it to be.. why try to save something that one of us wanted to end it anyway? It could have ended differently. We could have started differently. I saw this coming so why care so much about it. I knew I was not pretty enough or have the right personality for the relationship. Yet I kept trying. Sometimes my efforts are not enough. I wish I could have that story to say he came over to my house and we talked about it. But, he is not the kind of person to save this after he and his hearted decided. Its okay. I was fine before when I fantasized about him my whole high school career... when we were just friends.. nothing else.. just person I would say hello to once in a great while in the halls... now its just me looking down at my phone hoping I won't see him. Back to being just Paloma... the loud girl at school with the big eyes....

Useless Pain

I have pain
My heart aches
No reason at all
Just pain
I’m fine it’s okay
I say to no one because they don’t see it
Nobody cares
I don’t care
Why does it matter
I don’t want to go out I just want to stay in bed and sleep
Forever
I have pain
My heart aches
Just pain
Nobody cares
No one sees
Just me

My eyes sting so much from crying...

How funny...

It's so funny how a great day can go down a hill and hit a bush of thrones...

It's funny how you can be having the time of your life admiring, the sun shinning against the waves as they move back and forth hearing the brushing sound but than it goes down the cliff and stabs you with razor-edged rocks....

It's funny how you can be happily dancing to music created by an artist to touch others souls but than it goes down a mountain, hitting the periphery sides of the earth as you roll and tumble down...

It's funny how you can enjoy and admire someone for who they are. "Little things matter the most" as its a cliche but things become cliches because they are true. Watching little movements they make a long with sounds and sayings. Loving the feeling they give you when you see them from across the room, smiling at you, as if you have never seen the sun before. Being able to talk to that one person everyday, trusting,venting, and loving....but than it all gets pushed off a skyscraper.. something not natural or related to an earths creation, just falls and falls, with the cold air brushing against your body. Your heart begins to race, you begin suffocating, having trouble breathing. All thoughts go through your head as you are slowly dying, you heart beats become slower and slower, your heart stops. You are laying face down on a hard black ground, You are dead.

I have been spotted...

This time its real.....I hope. January 1, 2018

As he was holding me with his head against mine, I thought of how much I wanted this. My head rested on his chest, I can hear the fast beats of his heart. I can tell he was nervous yet happy. Wondering if he could hear my heart coming out of my chest...
Watching the fire swing back and forth like we were the fire dancing in a warm meadow
I could still hear his heart racing but a smooth kind of race
I never thought a heart beat can be beautiful and soothing
it was music to my soul...
Knowing he felt maybe the same way I felt... it was... nice...
Happy New year